Thursday, July 17, 2008

As I think about the day ahead

Callie is having her breakfast, Abbie is moving through the house trying to figure out what to do next. I'm waiting to go to my meeting and thinking about my day ahead. I'll take Callie for a very long walk after the meeting, play some fetch and then do a little writing while she naps and then grab a nap myself before I have to go to work. I'll touch base with some friends via email and make some plans for the next couple of days I have off. When I think about this, this has been my routine for a while. Before Callie, it was doing something with Ozzie. I realize how lucky I am. It was a very short time ago really when I was looking at living on the street; homeless and drunk. I try to keep this blog light, but I can't help reflect frequently how far I've come in a short amount of time. Describing how bad things got is impossible and a waste of time anyway. But I flat couldn't stop drinking, I don't know why, and even after I stopped I tried for many months to justify my behavior and blame someone else.

And I don't know what turned me around. Maybe the letter from ex saying that he was going to start the eviction process and sell my stuff (he mailed a copy to my parents). I can't blame him any longer, I got exactly what I deserved. He was probably nicer than anyone else would have been based on what I did. Maybe it was the death of my birth father from alcohol abuse. Maybe it was somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind I had had enough of myself and my drinking and just couldn't do it anymore. Maybe I knew that I was going to die, and though a very big part of me wanted to, my soul wasn't ready to let go of this life and knew there was a life worth living somewhere. I don't know. I don't know what made me start drinking again after a few sober months, but I do know something reached the deep part of me and made me finally quit.

I do know that I've been able to sustain a high level of sobriety lately, not just abstinence from drinking. For many months after stopping I was simply a dry drunk. That feeling has left and now I am truly sober. There is a difference, believe it or not, that non-addicts can never understand and I can't explain. But there is a purpose to my life, there is a serenity and calmness that I've never felt before and certainly never felt while drinking, but sought so much. And I am grateful for that deep serenity. Life keeps getting better and better. The people in my life are good people, and the healthier I get, the healthier are the people that share my life. The promises outlined in the big book are coming true. It never ceases to amaze me how men in Ohio in 1939, could write a book full of promises that could come true for a woman living in Colorado in 2008. I am always in awe and am grateful they took the time to show me the way.

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