Monday, July 7, 2008

One Year

I celebrated one year of sobriety today. I belong to a very special group called AA. I feel privileged to belong, though I never wanted to grow up and be a member of AA. Mensa, maybe, but never AA. It was never a group I thought I'd belong to, or sought out...I never sought them out until I really needed them. I didn't think I'd be so emotional today, but the tears won't stop. I'm grateful they took me in when no one else would. I'm grateful that I was willing to listen; be patient (sort of); was willing to give it a shot because nothing else helped me stay sober; that they helped me get home; that they loved me when I couldn't love myself; that they understood the pain I was in and helped me walk through it without drinking. They showed me through their examples that there is another way to live my life, and it is much more rewarding, more uplifting, more productive, happier, more free, less frightening, less dramatic, and so much more loving.

The tears are also from the sadness of loss. Loss of a potential love that will never be because I couldn't stop drinking, I couldn't stop blaming, I couldn't stop being a victim. Even after I got sober, I couldn't stop being a victim for a very long time. Slowly, very slowly I learned. There are no victims here. We have to make our own way, we have to take full responsibility for our lives, its direction, its failures and ultimate rewards. Sometimes I think if I could go back and change it, I would in a second. I would never cause the hurt I created. I wouldn't have hurt someone so badly who I said meant so much to me. I wouldn't have been so selfish and self-centered. I would have let go with dignity and been alone rather than destroy something so completely that could have been a really good thing. I would have tried harder to be the person I always wanted to be and am now only because I am sober and growing each day. I would have just tried harder.

Why do we alcoholics do what we do? I don't know. But I carry a statement that a very good friend of mine in the group shared one day...I am so grateful every day he is there...he has 20 years sobriety and counting, and he shows up every single day for a meeting, and I can see the path to a better life through him. He said, "Out there, no explanation is possible, in here, no explanation is necessary." I am so grateful that I can go there and not have to try to explain myself. I can be me, I can grow, I can mature, I can complain. I can do all of it and be accepted and loved where I stand in sobriety.


Anonymous said...

Congratulations on one year of sobriety. You may be in the one spot where the scenery, support and family are favorable enough for your continued sobriety. I am glad you found Callie to partially fill the void left by good ole Ozwald. I still do not know why you did what you did when you were down here but I do know that you continued to blame me even after you were sober, to wit, you said something like "you are not just an innocent bystander". This tells me that you tend to blame others drunk or sober. I think we all tend to do that to some extent, but you were way overboard with the blaming. And yes I was an innocent bystander with respect to your relapses. I wanted to be with you or I would not have asked you to move down here. We were good for each other when you were sober and I would have tried harder to help you through the tough times had I been able to afford it, but every penny I spend comes out of my pocket.
You even questioned the way our separation was handled which means you could not possibly remember how bad it got. If it is true that you can not remember how hostile and egregious your actions became, then you become unaccountable. Two people who love each other have to at least try to approach 100% personal accountability with each other or relationship will break fast. When you were sober, you were sweet, accountable and I loved you very much. And I can just hear all the background noise now about unconditional love, but if someone is destroying their own life then only a fool remains on board to sink with the ship. Keep taking care of yourself.

gjwriter said...
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