Thursday, July 31, 2008


Being within the bounds of reason; rational; logical. All words that I know, but rarely have practiced. Mostly because I am strong-willed, bull-headed and selfish. I want what I want when I want it. There are places and times to be unreasonable. When someone asks too much of me and it will compromise my goals, morals or values. Most of the time, however, reason is called for. Compromises can be made that don't sacrifice the other person, and rational conclusions can be made.

I don't know why I was thinking about this as the day starts; but my ex is, and has been for most of the last year, the first person I think about in the morning when I wake up, and the last person I think about at night before I go to sleep. I miss him horribly, but the damage I did in my drinking days is irreparable. I was unreasonable, irrational, highly dramatic, and terribly violent, for the short list. It took a lot for me to get sober, reason finally won out. If I continued down my path, I was facing certain death after a life barely lived. I had to surrender to my powerlessness over alcohol. Reasonableness continues to rule, if I pick up that first drink, it will be all over, no returning to sobriety again. I am completely convinced. To be reasonable in that assertion and understand that I now live a life of relative peace, contentment and fulfillment because I am reasonable in my thinking about alcohol. (Or maybe I am unreasonable about my thinking about alcohol, but I know I have to be.)

As for him, he was right to do what he did. As he said, no reasonable person stays on a sinking ship. As much as I hurt from what I did, as sorry as I am that we can't share our lives, it will not change what is happening now. The truth is that I can live with what is happening today, reasonably.

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