Saturday, October 18, 2008

New Adventure

Tomorrow I start a new job. I don't know how I feel about it. It's not really a "new" job, it's my old job at a new store. The hours are better, the store is more profitable than the one I'm at, so there is more help to get work done. I've been basically happy where I am for the last year and few months, but it's time to move on.

I'm proud of myself for a couple of things. First, that I actually have kept a job for over a year. I couldn't do that when I was drinking, and at the end of my drinking I could get a job, but I couldn't keep it for even a month and I let a lot of people down. Second, I have built a strong foundation here. Yes, it's retail, far removed from the highly responsible, analytical and high-salary jobs I've had in the past, but I've stayed sober and begun to rebuild my confidence, and I desperately need to do that, where ever I have to do it.

I'm sad to be leaving my friends. I've nested in there for a long time now. I will see them, I'm actually going just down the street, but it's been my family and my lifeline for a long time. They've supported me, kept me somewhat sane, understood me and put up with my quirkiness in a gentle manner. I like my job because I get to interact with a lot of different people, and I have a lot of free time to really do my own thing without thinking or worrying about work on my off time. I make a living, am putting a little aside each week for some kind of future, and I have made good friends.

The good news is that I know a lot of the people I will be going to work with, so it's not like I'm jumping off the deep end of the pool. My safety net is still somewhat in tact. But change has become hard for me. It used to be something I embraced and relished, but the last change I made was a big one, and I did it recklessly and foolishly and it cost me absolutely everything, particularly my sobriety, so I am leery. I never want to compromise my sobriety again for any person, place or opportunity. I understand all too well how powerful that demon is, how it takes me over and I do some incredible things that humiliate and shame me and ultimately destroy me. Things that I would never even consider sober become absolutely natural to me under the influence, not to mention create an unbelievable self-righteousness and ability to lie to anyone about anything that is flat scary. I'm not terribly worried about drinking, I have my group that I see daily and will still see, but there is a little voice in me that I hope is there to help me. It just tells me to be aware, stay vigilant, and don't think I can ever have just one drink. That also means that I still don't trust myself, even after this long of a period of time. Many of the people I am going to work with don't know about me or my history, and I don't intend to tell them, and in that respect I have to be ever more careful and protect myself more.

It is a new adventure, another opportunity for growth and learning. I look forward to being ever stronger in my commitment to myself. I hope I don't let myself down.

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