I'm a little more cranky today than usual, so I need to write it out. I know why I'm cranky...because I'm not writing. I was going to start a new project January 1st, and haven't done it. Between work, Callie, the insufferably freezing weather and something else that knocked me off balance, I have been intolerably cranky and not able to focus my energy where it needs to be focused. Each day I'm a little more grumpy, not sleeping well, not eating right, not doing what I need to do to take care of myself. I'm going to meetings daily, and everything else it out of whack. I've gotten pretty good over the last year and a half about living life on life's terms and accepting what happened and the direction I need to go now, except for the last couple of weeks. I hate it when I lose my compass. It is just a bitch for me to get back on course and settled in to my routine that I know works. That is one of the reasons I think I'll be single for the rest of my life. I've never met anyone who has respected my needs, but they sure as hell wanted me to respect theirs. Make no mistake, that's not why I drank. I drank because I'm an alcoholic, and I let myself get out of control and made incredibly poor judgements and fell in with the wrong people who weren't good for me. That's part of it too. I can't bring myself to trust myself enough that I think I can make a decent judgement when it comes to a man. I look at them with complete apprehension now. Like they are all out to destroy me, and they may be, certainly unconsciously because that's how most of them live their lives, unconscious. I find I don't really like men anymore, not at a relationship level. I have some men friends, but they are that...friends (really acquaintances). I can keep them at arms length and never have to get invested in anything emotionally with them. They do their thing, and leave me pretty much alone and I'm happy with that. I tried dating someone briefly, but it was just that, brief. I just couldn't get into it. I can't get myself to believe that love can happen for me in this life, and it makes me so sad. I watch other people have pretty normal, healthy relationships, and I can't imagine how they do it. How do they do it?
It feels good to write it out. These feelings. They are mine, right, wrong or indifferent and I have to honor them and still move forward. Just saying what feels wrong in my life takes away its power and energy over me. I think that's why I like to write so much. I always find it incredibly cathartic. So I guess I'll take "destructo dog" for a walk. She's earned it by putting up with me being selfish and self-centered for what seems like forever.