Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Today I have choices. Choices that I never knew that I had. I have the ability to make the choice to hurt someone, help someone, be of service, go to work, walk my dog, exercise, eat right, not drink. These are choices I didn't know I had during my drinking days. I had to drink, and that was all that I knew on any given day. I had a choice to make a major geographic change early in my sobriety, and I made the wrong choice and it led to horrible relapse. I didn't know I had a choice because I was new to the game of being sober, and as a result the consequences for me and for someone else were enormous. I have a choice today to respond or not to someones anger. I have been sitting on a communication with a specific person for a while now. I have turned it over in my head, started a thousand responses, and felt so many feelings, but I have chosen not to respond to the anger. I have the choice in myself to not respond out of anger or fear, fear has driven me for too long, and no longer manages my life. This person has every right to be angry, and can be angry as long as he chooses. I can't change the past, I have told him before if I could I would in a second, but I have total power to change the present and the future. I feel lucky to be able to make these choices, I never believed I had them before, or if I did make a choice it was the wrong one and I incurred disapproval, wrath or banishment from relationships. I had choices at every turn, and through most of my life made the wrong turn out of fear. Today I choose to make the right turn and protect myself and others from potential egregious behavior that has plagued my history. Today I choose to be of service and help someone who may feel as I felt, that there were no choices and "conditions" brought me to my behavior. It was never about conditions, it was about me and my unhappiness with myself and frankly, with this person. Today, I am happy with myself and my place in this world, and the choices I now make. I punished him for a long time after I got sober because I was angry and I was hurt. He was not the only one who lost out of this whole thing, but he made sure I paid a dear price for what I did. I don't know why he communicates with me periodically now, he says its because he still cares. I don't believe it for a second. I think he does when he observes that I am doing well and that life is working for me. I'm sure that makes his stomach churn, because someone like him doesn't want someone like me, who did the things I did, to be happy and getting well. He said something about everyone being "right about me", and he didn't mean it in a good sense. It hurts pretty deeply because I try to be a good person and do the right thing. The problem is that when alcohol gets added to the mix, I become pretty awful. But that is not me. He wants to think it's me, but it isn't, and I know it isn't. So instead of responding to his anger, and letting him suck me again, I choose today to let go with love and wish him well. He did what he could do for me. I have to walk the sobriety path alone, and trust myself. I don't have to, and don't want to hear from him anymore. He can sit in his anger all he wants, I am done and I hope somewhere he finds happiness and I'm sure he is happy with the choices he has made.