Monday, February 23, 2009

The story continues...

I posted a few days ago about choices and realizing that today I know I have choices that during my drinking days never occurred to me. One of the things that I said was I didn't want to hear from a certain person anymore. That was pretty far from the truth. I wanted to hear from him badly, I wanted to hear what I wanted to hear, not the rants that I felt subjected to that were responses to my continued irrational behavior. Well, I heard from him, and it has been surprising. I have missed him terribly over the last couple of years that I've been on this journey through my sobriety that is a life journey. He is coming to town to visit in about three weeks, and I can't believe how much I am looking forward to it.

We have talked the last couple of nights on the phone, and the things that have come to light about how bad I was has been simply mind boggling (that word doesn't look right...). I am amazed that he would want to see me or have any kind of a civil relationship with me. I feel incredibly blessed that he would and once again turn to the power of the AA program and what it has done to turn my life around. He hasn't changed. He is who he is, doing what he is doing, and has shown in the past and continues to show an amazing amount of compassion for someone who really didn't deserve it. He has shared with me some stories of my behavior that I don't remember. It doesn't make less accountable, but it is interesting to hear. What's more, I am ready to hear it. I have changed tremendously, I like to think for the better, but know that in some fundamental ways, that isn't true. A year ago I would railed against it, and said he was trying hurt me. Now I hear it, and I hear him say he doesn't want to hurt me or make me feel bad, and I really hear that from him, and I appreciate it. But I also know that I need to hear it. I need to hear the painful truth of what I was to really appreciate how far I have come and to keep me going down this serene path of sobriety. I don't ever want to forget what I was, and I want people to be honest with me. I want to try to make amends where I can, some I know can probably never be made, but I really want to try.

I am grateful. I am grateful to him, my family, the program and my friends for giving me this second chance to be the best that I can be. I know now, with no illusion, that I am working to arrest an extremely powerful foe that will take me down in a second if I give it any hint of light, and hearing the truth helps me keep it securely locked away, one day at a time.

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