Wednesday, July 22, 2009
I'm in a reflective mood today. Twenty years ago today was my wedding. Thirteen years ago today my husband said he was leaving. It has taken this long to figure out that I felt that I was cast adrift then and I didn't find a safe harbor until now. I was looking in all the wrong places: Other relationships, work, exercise, over-eating, drinking for years on end...surprise! None of them ever worked. How many times has this story been told before? Hundreds of millions, and I find I am again simply one of the masses who has survived abandonment and all that follows: Searching, turmoil, loss of self-esteem, feelings of betrayal, falling into addiction to mask the pain, and on and on, spinning out of control. The addiction was my ultimate downfall. I let everyone down, especially myself, and now I start from the beginning again, because I lost absolutely everything. I heard once that your life is a do-over. I can feel that now. I have set up my safe camp in this safe harbor and nested myself into a feeling of security (maybe false, but it works for me) that helps me move out into the world and explore this new life on my own. The good news about a do-over is that I have the wisdom of years and experience behind me, so that I have the ability to do it over better this time. But it will never be how I envisioned my life from the beginning, and that makes me incredibly sad on days like today. There will likely never be another relationship, there will certainly be no children. There are friends and there is work and those keep me going. I write and it helps me feel as if I have some purpose, I just don't know what yet. I am considering a career path that will give me something to do in the meantime and help me feel like I am more than wasted space on this planet. Ultimately, I feel safe in myself now. I have two years sobriety and trust myself again and know that I can count on myself again to make good choices regarding who to trust, who to keep at arms length, and mostly how to feel something besides anger and self-loathing. In looking at my life, there was never anything that caught my attention and held it as much as the thought of building a life with someone. I looked so forward to it, and then it failed. I do like living alone, I can do whatever I want. But I miss the experience of having someone to share life with. It would have been fun.