Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Flu season

I was feeling fine yesterday.  Today, not so good.  I tried to get up and go to work, but my head has been hurting for three days and I have a fever now.  Callie and I took it easy today.  We had a big hike yesterday and she cut her paw on a rock.  It's healing well, but today we hung around town, much to her dislike.  It's been cold, and kids are in school, so the sick season has arrived.  I was feeling better for about a minute this afternoon.  Now my fever feels like it's back with a vengeance.  I have tomorrow off, so I hope that I start feeling better.  Things are changing at work, which isn't helping my immune system.  The new store is almost done and everyone is moving around, except me.  I know why, but I can't figure out what else to do right now.  I'm working on a story and hope to have it done soon and maybe out for review.  Sometimes I just wish I could sleep for a few days.  My body won't let me.  I get up, hike the dog, go to work, do some writing, try to stay off the pity pot.  Finally got a sponsor and worked the steps.  Someone in my group told me they felt enormous relief when they finished the steps.  I didn't feel that.  I felt exhausted.  The baggage gone.  I ran around for about a week looking for more baggage to carry.  Finally, I realized...there is no more baggage, now I get to redefine my life in terms of the present moment going forward.  But I spent so long lost, I don't know where to begin.  My sponsor says I have to allow myself to be.  I can explore whatever I want and create a life on purpose instead of letting things happen to me.  Make it a joy, not a job. It's a hard habit to break.  I'm used to things happening outside of me.  Looking at me was really hard, but worth it.  Now I get to do everything I wanted to do in the past, but I get to do it with a clear head and a clear conscience.  Maybe being sick is my bodies way of saying...awww!  I'm trying to take it easy on myself.  I thought for a long time that everything good that was going to happen has happened and it's too late to start anything new.  Today the thought went through my head that it's only to late to start something when I'm dead.  So I guess I better get started.  I'm glad I have Callie to make the journey with me.  She's a great friend!

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