Freedom from Bondage

It takes time to free ourselves from the demon of addiction. I think about it frequently. Time simply takes time. There is no shortcut to healing ones life. It is an inside job, and a person has to be willing to really take a hard look at themselves; the wounds left on them, the wounds left on others by them; the seemingly insurmountable obstacles of ego, pride, flawed thinking, self-righteousness, indignation, all wrapped up in a human being that becomes our ultimate definition and undoing. Who we become in the wake of it all, how we choose to live with the hard lessons learned, creates our ultimate character. How we move through the world after the wreckage we have left, how we treat others we meet in our new life, all become our new complete being. Forgiveness from others is not our right to ask of anyone. We can only forgive ourselves, and until then we are stuck in the past, trying to rationalize, justify, blame, criticize, and hold accountable all but ourselves; and our lives never move forward, we can never breath freely, we can never truly respect ourselves and who we think we are working so hard to become out of the ashes. Only when we stop. Really stop. Really look, really face the truth of who we were, what we did, who we hurt, how we cheated, lied, stole, blamed, needed, loved and hated all in one fell swoop; can we begin to truly rebuild a life free from the bondage of addiction. The demon loses strength when we surrender fully to who we were, what we became under its influence, how we behaved, what we did, and then we challenge ourselves to never let it happen again. Never sacrifice ourselves or our lives to that demon who claims to be our friend. The friend whose only promise was to turn on us and destroy us, piece by piece. Only when we surrender to its power can we one day at a time begin to heal and become whole human beings.

I don't know if any of that makes any sense, but it is something I have been thinking about now. After a year sober, so many walls have been broken down and some wounds healed, so many have not, and never will be. So I often question how I walk on despite those wounds I cannot heal, no matter what? All I can have is faith now. Faith that there is hope for me. I am no longer the person I was, I am no longer locked in a hell of my own making. I have broken free from the choking bonds of addiction and have redefined my life. I have learned much. I am far less than perfect, but I now embrace, cherish and accept my imperfections, and live in my humanity. I have learned to take ownership and responsibility. I have learned to stop blaming, finally. I have learned to live in the journey, not sprint for the destination. I have learned to welcome my experiences and accept outcomes as they are, not as I want them to be. I have learned to live for today and not worry about tomorrow. I welcome and appreciate my friendships for what they are, rather than hold a cloud of suspicion over everyone I meet. I have learned to trust myself again. Because I can trust myself I can let others into my life honestly. It is a journey, one day at a time, and my heart and mind and eyes are open and welcoming to the process.