What do you want?

It's a question I've heard posed a lot lately. Not to me. In books I've been reading, movies I've been watching, other people I've heard talking. It is not a question that I was ever asked by anyone. I'm not sure I could have answered it anyway. Fearing disapproval, withholding of love, abandonment, I would skirt the topic. If someone had ever asked me, had ever cared enough to ask me, I doubt I would have answered honestly. I'm not sure I knew. The result: unfulfilled desires and goals, unfulfilling relationships with men, drinking at the son-of-a-bitch for not caring about me. All because I never said what I wanted (Actually, I did once and was berated for it). I surrounded myself with people and especially men who were clear on their goals, their wants and sometimes tried to make them my own, and they didn't care about my wishes anyway. The result: unfulfilled desires and goals, unfulfilling relationships with men, drinking at the son-of-a-bitch for not caring about me. The truth, I didn't know what I wanted other than to be loved and accepted. The amount of money I spent on self-help books to "fix" me so I would be loved and accepted was astronomical.

Am I clear on what I want today? Very. I understand my goals, my desires, my wants more than I ever have in my life. I take responsibility for my past acts (this is not a blamefest, so I don't want to hear that it is). If someone were to ask me today what I wanted, I would be able to express it clearly, concisely and honestly without fear of losing love, being abandoned, or even being disliked. The truth is that I am comfortable enough with myself to be able to take care of myself in ways I never could before. Details of life sometimes perplex me, scare me and confuse me. But in the big picture I know what I want and am able to move through any day to day challenges for the end result. I don't sweat the small stuff. I may perspire a little, but I don't sweat it.