Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I'm thinking about going back to school, trying to figure out how to fund it and how to make ends meet while I study. I know where I want to go and what I want to do. I simply can't figure out the money part. I used to be so good at making decisions and making things happen. I haven't been able to do that lately. My sense of security in my abilities to have life work out was shaken to the core and I cant' seem to get my strength back. I used to just make stuff happen. I would set a goal, make decisions and it would all fall in place, and I never worried. Things always seemed to work out, even when I wasn't entirely sober. If I took the leap of faith, things fell into place. Now, not so much. Life just doesn't seem to work. I'm scared shitless to make a wrong move, I have nothing to fall back on now. I used to be able to believe in life and the universe and me. I'm beginning to not believe in anything anymore. And I hate that. I've always been optomistic, brave, forward thinking, ready for any and all action and really out there going for it. Now I don't. I go to work, go to meetings, pay the bills, hike with Callie and sometimes friends, sleep a lot, cry a lot, and wish it had been so different. My world has gotten so small, so much lost. I always wanted so much more for my life...so much more. I've never been a negative fatalist by nature, but so many things have happened that have dampened my view of my life and it's purpose and meaning and ending. What will I have contributed to this world after I am gone? It feels like it has been nothing but wasted space. I hate that I think like that. It makes me so sad.