Tuesday, August 11, 2009

The Future

I'm thinking about going back to school, trying to figure out how to fund it and how to make ends meet while I study. I know where I want to go and what I want to do. I simply can't figure out the money part. I used to be so good at making decisions and making things happen. I haven't been able to do that lately. My sense of security in my abilities to have life work out was shaken to the core and I cant' seem to get my strength back. I used to just make stuff happen. I would set a goal, make decisions and it would all fall in place, and I never worried. Things always seemed to work out, even when I wasn't entirely sober. If I took the leap of faith, things fell into place. Now, not so much. Life just doesn't seem to work. I'm scared shitless to make a wrong move, I have nothing to fall back on now. I used to be able to believe in life and the universe and me. I'm beginning to not believe in anything anymore. And I hate that. I've always been optomistic, brave, forward thinking, ready for any and all action and really out there going for it. Now I don't. I go to work, go to meetings, pay the bills, hike with Callie and sometimes friends, sleep a lot, cry a lot, and wish it had been so different. My world has gotten so small, so much lost. I always wanted so much more for my life...so much more. I've never been a negative fatalist by nature, but so many things have happened that have dampened my view of my life and it's purpose and meaning and ending. What will I have contributed to this world after I am gone? It feels like it has been nothing but wasted space. I hate that I think like that. It makes me so sad.

1 comment:

Suzy said...

Big hugs, Shawn! I know what you mean... not completely, of course... but...

I was in the same place before the epiphany hit me... and I hope and suspect this will be the case for you. I think it's natural for us to go through these periods of self-doubt.

I have faith (though dislike that word) that you will find your way, and you will look back and see that this was all necessary to lead you there. In the meantime, know that you are loved and important to the people in your life (even if they are across the country) and you are and have been an inspiration.